Ah... Love.

Ah… Love.

For the 800th time, a well-meaning pal made the suggestion that I “need a girlfriend”. Personally, a girlfriend OR boyfriend would be cool. I’m not picky. Why limit yourself to 50% of the population when looking for your Soulmate? People tend to forget that I like guys too…

The conversation went somewhat like this;

Pal: Are you STILL single?

Me: Yep! Pretty Happily so…(mental prayer to the Universe that this conversation isn’t gonna go where I think it’s gonna)

Pal: Oh Zay! That’s not good! You are a wonderful soul! You deserve to be Happy!

At this point, I was like… “I am Happy”, knowing my petition went unheard by the Laughing Gods and I started pondering quietly, using my ‘inside voice’ as to just WTF she was getting at…

Pal: Don’t you get lonely?

Me: Well, occasionally. But not enough to warrant going out and picking the first person to jump at the chance to be with (gestures like Vanna White to my slovenly appearance) All THIS…(smirk)

Pal: (chuckles) But you are awesome. No, really! (I had rolled my eyes) You ARE! You deserve to be Happy!

My ‘inside voice’ was not being very quiet. I said again, “I AM Happy. For the most part anyways. Life can be a bitch, but here I am, livin’ the dream…” My ‘inside voice’ had apparently been told to shut the fuck up.

Pal stood there looking at me in a slightly pitying (pitiable?) way. I cleared my throat and said. “No, really… look, I AM Happy. I am Happy with my Life. Yeah, work sucks, shit happens and yes, I probably need to get out more. BUT… (I gesture uselessly) there is all this…(flailing of hands) Covid n’ shit. So no, I’m not dating, don’t want to date, don’t have TIME to date…and honestly, I’m pretty sure I’ve forgotten how to kiss…or anything else. Besides, my job is not very conducive to any type of dating whatsoever, nor would I subject anyone to… (frowns smirkingly) dating ME.”

Self-deprecation ain’t my thing but goddamn… How do you gently tell someone to butt the fuck out and please don’t go all Matchmaker on me.

Pal: Oh come on! You are such a good person. You’re smart and funny and cute as hell. (ah, here it comes) If you wouldn’t work so much and put on some nice clothes, I’m sure you would find someone really quick!

Me: ::sigh:: I don’t WANT to find anyone. I am honestly very happy having a deep and meaningful relationship with my cat. I have great friends whom I have excellent and intimate relationships with. My Life is really GOOD. Honest… (beseeching the Universe in a Hail Mary play)

Pal: ::that LOOK that people give you when they ‘know’ you’re wrong:: I just worry about you, Zay. It’s not good to be alone for so long.

Me: I’m not alone. I’m not “lonely” (using my fingers to make quotation marks) Yes, I occasionally feel lonely. We ALL do, even when we are in a crowd. But you don’t need to worry about me. I’m groovy. I do NOT want to invest in a relationship, not now and possibly not ever. My Life is good.

Pal: ::more of THAT look::

Me: I’m not against it. I just would rather be by myself than be with the wrong person. The last thing I wanna do is invest in a relationship and have it fall apart. It isn’t me being “jaded” or “bitter”, (more quotation marks) it’s me being true and good to myself. Don’t get me wrong, I miss sex…but not enough to hop in bed with someone I don’t Love or at least care about completely. Sport Fuckin’ ain’t for me, you know this…” (again with useless gestures)

Awkward silence for a few seconds and then I say,

“And what’s wrong with my clothes??” because apparently, I just like to goad some people…

Pals eyes get big for a second and then roll back into their sockets.

For those that don’t know me, I wear jeans, t-shirts and sneakers just about every day. If I’m working, its old and worn jeans, t-shirts and work boots. If I’m hanging out with friends, it’s CLEAN and newish jeans, t-shirts and sneakers or any number of shoes I have in my extensive collection. OCCASIONALLY, when steppin’ out on the town, I might wear a nice button down, slacks and some other “nice” clothing but I do not own “dressy” clothes. It just ain’t me, ain’t who I am and to be honest, they are uncomfortable and I have always felt like a drag queen in women’s attire. Heels?? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… no.

I bagged a hell of a husband like this. I hunt and fish and climb trees, ride dirt bikes and motorcycles. I shoot guns, have hand to hand combat training and can build you a house or a backyard BBQ firepit. I have MAD SKILLZ usually associated with males and can even fix a car if nothing majorly serious is wrong with it. I know how to change a tire but I have AAA and am not afraid to use it. Personally, I think I’m a hell of a catch, for a guy or a girl. All THIS and more could be YOURS!! (I need Tormund Giantsbane)

But I also know my worth. I know that I am completely capable of standing on my own two feet, back to the wall and balls out. A friend of mine once told me I didn’t have a “fear button”. Maybe not, or maybe I’m just stupidly brave. Regardless, I know what I am capable of, WHO I AM, and more importantly, what I want and what I DON’T want. And I have found this to be rather off-putting to some folks.

::shrug::

I also know I can be irascible, grumpy, moody, and sardonic. All of it with a strong measure of humor and Laugh Clown Laugh… lest ye weep attitude. But I am dauntless and relentless in my Self. Which makes me a bit of an anomaly. And all too Hooman.

But I digress…

All of the above goes through my brainpan in a few seconds so…

As Pals eyes roll around in their moorings, I say,” I’m comfortable. I’m Happy. Why can’t that just be ok with you?”

Wrong thing to say. Hey, I’m not known for my filter….

Pal: Well, if you’re happy, I guess it’s not my business. (sadness and I’ve hurt their feelers)

Me: (internally thinking DAMN RIGHT and also me, “fuck”)

Me: Nah, I’m good. Honest. Stop worrying so much.

Pal: Well, I love you and just want what’s best for you.

Me: And I appreciate that. And this is what’s best for me. For now, anyways. I’m open to possibilities, k?

Pal changes the subject entirely and we go back to having conversations about recipes and wine pairings.

So, this convo went down a couple of weeks before I was laid out on the couch right before New Years with some cruddy, ruddy bad cold. Not The ‘Rona, got my tests and I’m relatively safe at the moment. I still feel like crap but on the mend. But being down for a week on the couch definitely made me wish for a nursemaid a time or two. I mean, who doesn’t like having their head petted and hot soup brought to them when they are sick. Me? I tipped the Doordash guy extra for dropping hot Pho at my door and the Instacart chick for bringing me groceries. I didn’t get a head pet or even a “hey” but that’s aight. I’m a capable, independent Hooman. My kitty laid on my lap for three days, keeping me warm and comfy. Odd for her, great for me.

I do miss having a partner. It would be great to have someone to share the financial burdens, hold my hand when I’m down, someone to greet me at the door after a hard day who doesn’t want their tummy petted and then snubs me the rest of the night. But to me, for now, I’m really ok.

I had to think about it for a minute. But nah, I’m groovy. FerRealz. And I was left to ponder the “why” of people who feel like they gotta have someone in their life to… be? For me, the ability to stand on my own two feet, be resilient and self-reliant is a huge reward in and of itself. Do not misunderstand, it is a Big Pile of Suck sometimes, but for the most part…not so much. I’ve worked extremely hard to get to this point in my Life. And I am proud as fuck of me.

Still a work in progress… as it should be.

Learn to like that person staring back at you in the mirror. That should be the person who loves you the Most.